Well, I want to address grad ceremonies in general really.
What's the point?
I know. We all want to swell in pride up there as we are handed a superficial piece of paper that says we are qualified for adult careers as our folks watch on, teary eyed with job. We all want our 15 seconds of fame. But honestly, that's never appealed to me.
Since we got the 15 seconds of fame part out of the way, let's break down the ceremony. First, we need to pay for gowns and tassels and hats and bands and more bullshit on top of what we already paid the University for tuition. You'd think they could at least shell out $200 a head on gowns for students! Yeesh. For instance, I'm about $6K in debt after a year at the University with part of my expenses paid for by parents, and the rest by scholarships and state grants. I felt that 90% of the time, I worked my ass off for an A and walked away with nothing more than an elevated GPA.
Secondly, what about the several hour long ceremony? You have to buy tickets for guests. It doesn't amount to much, but why on earth would you want the system to milk you some more? This is my opinion, but I don't need any damn soul on earth to watch my passage into graduation. That's why if I ever decide to go back to school, I'd probably collect my degree and leave. I don't like being watched more because I don't see the point of shelling out for 15 seconds of fame to have your name yelled out. Time is money. I could do so much with the 3-4 hours spent on the ceremony.
Whatever. I just don't get people and their ceremonies. I especially don't get weddings and why people need the state to get involved with your relationship. Or relationshit. I don't even celebrate my birthday nowadays because every day I spend with my friends is a celebration. My birthdays don't even come close to those nights of debauchery.
Saturday, April 30, 2016
Sunday, April 24, 2016
The Last Straw with Passive Aggressive Housemates
I talked with my housemate (the wealthy religious hypocrite) the other day and told him we needed to clear the atmosphere on our issues with each other. I eventually learned that he honed no ill feelings towards me but considered himself anti-social like myself. For whatever reason, he didn't qualify his reasons for hanging out with my roommate more besides the fact that he's known him for longer and that my roommate "just doesn't care."
I brought up their former roommate who they shunned for the last two quarters of school last year (their former roommate, a friend of mine brought it to my attention when we went out for dinners sometimes and I was able to resolve part of the issue). My housemate said he had nothing to do with anything and that I was no comparable to him, which I guess is a good thing. The only problem, I pointed out is that while I don't need to grab groceries as often as they do, it would've been a nice gesture for them to invite me. The housemate admitted that he asked my roommate to go on a hike with him (with the roommate declining, he is what most would call a home gamer). Funny thing is, I would've been available and would've probably gone too. I've come to a conclusion that my housemate just doesn't think at all (he admitted that he had a short attention span which was the reason behind him taking so long to replace the tools of mine he'd broken).
In the end, he denied various things I suggested (Like understanding that despite having lived alone for a long time, one needs to be open and aware of their surroundings when living with people). He kept making excuses, things like "Well, that's how I am so deal with it." I wasn't too surprised (he's a religious hypocrite-nut who ate off a silver platter most his life) but wow, are his future housemates in for a surprise when they get a load of this guy.
So yeah, in the end, I could care less if they ask me out to grab groceries. But when I'm in the room and overhear my housemate asking my roommate if there was anything he wanted from the 7-11 downstairs without regarding me, it feels like he's honing some sort of grudge against me, because like I said, they've played passive aggressive towards a friend of mine before and it really crushed his spirits especially when he wanted to make things up to them and end the year as friends.
They're keeping the apartment for the next year and I'm moving out. I'm dropping out of school and staying out for better or for worse. The social experience was unimpressive, the academics a bore, and lasting impressions poor at best. I don't wish them the best of luck, but I'm not going to wish them misery either. I just plan on parting ways as strangers and will discontinue any communication with them afterwards. I've always had a hard time making friends as both the outgoing persuasion and my usual loner persona. My problem? Maybe. I'm a hard ass and I don't yuck things up. I'd rather punch my friends in the face if I think they're being shitbags. But that's besides the point. I'm glad I can see reality in black and white and can choose my real friends accordingly. These guys aren't my real friends nor will they ever be. But 50 miles away in my hometown where where I spent the last years of my childhood, my three closest friends are waiting.
In my next blog post, I'll turn up the mood a bit by talking about the good connections I've made in college.
I brought up their former roommate who they shunned for the last two quarters of school last year (their former roommate, a friend of mine brought it to my attention when we went out for dinners sometimes and I was able to resolve part of the issue). My housemate said he had nothing to do with anything and that I was no comparable to him, which I guess is a good thing. The only problem, I pointed out is that while I don't need to grab groceries as often as they do, it would've been a nice gesture for them to invite me. The housemate admitted that he asked my roommate to go on a hike with him (with the roommate declining, he is what most would call a home gamer). Funny thing is, I would've been available and would've probably gone too. I've come to a conclusion that my housemate just doesn't think at all (he admitted that he had a short attention span which was the reason behind him taking so long to replace the tools of mine he'd broken).
In the end, he denied various things I suggested (Like understanding that despite having lived alone for a long time, one needs to be open and aware of their surroundings when living with people). He kept making excuses, things like "Well, that's how I am so deal with it." I wasn't too surprised (he's a religious hypocrite-nut who ate off a silver platter most his life) but wow, are his future housemates in for a surprise when they get a load of this guy.
So yeah, in the end, I could care less if they ask me out to grab groceries. But when I'm in the room and overhear my housemate asking my roommate if there was anything he wanted from the 7-11 downstairs without regarding me, it feels like he's honing some sort of grudge against me, because like I said, they've played passive aggressive towards a friend of mine before and it really crushed his spirits especially when he wanted to make things up to them and end the year as friends.
They're keeping the apartment for the next year and I'm moving out. I'm dropping out of school and staying out for better or for worse. The social experience was unimpressive, the academics a bore, and lasting impressions poor at best. I don't wish them the best of luck, but I'm not going to wish them misery either. I just plan on parting ways as strangers and will discontinue any communication with them afterwards. I've always had a hard time making friends as both the outgoing persuasion and my usual loner persona. My problem? Maybe. I'm a hard ass and I don't yuck things up. I'd rather punch my friends in the face if I think they're being shitbags. But that's besides the point. I'm glad I can see reality in black and white and can choose my real friends accordingly. These guys aren't my real friends nor will they ever be. But 50 miles away in my hometown where where I spent the last years of my childhood, my three closest friends are waiting.
In my next blog post, I'll turn up the mood a bit by talking about the good connections I've made in college.
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Rude Residents trash my Laundry --- You CAN'T rely on Cops nowadays...
So I walked into the laundromat in my apartment complex on the 4th floor today... and found that my laundry inside the dryer had disappeared and was replaced with someone else's. A girl pointed me in the way of a pile nearby and asked if it was mine. It was. I gathered up my things and left. There was a guy standing outside with an empty basket, so I assume he was waiting for his laundry to come out OR he had just deposited it in my dryer... but since this is all speculation, it's entirely possible the culprit could've been someone else other than the girl and the large guy at the door.
Now, there's a camera in the door, but I KNOW contacting the apartment's admin won't be diddly-shit. Because something similar happened to me another time (someone opened up the door on my dryer, let the time run out and when I got to it, my clothes were still damp. The office told me contact the police which I did and the lady at the other end basically told me to come up with evidence or fuck off). So there are cameras everyone and no one is able to check the footage basically. Someone could've been stabbed up there and there would've been nothing the cops could've done. Well done, officers, well done.
On a serious note, WHY couldn't the resident just have gone to any of the other 7 laundromats? There are 7 floors at my apartment complex and each has its own. The only reason why I came up to the 4th (I live on the 3rd) is because all machines were occupied. And the first thing I decide to do is move on, burn those extra calories to use the one on the floor above or below RATHER than trash someone else's load and put my own in. Some people need to be patient. I was probably 5 or 10 minutes late because I was cooking, but by no means should you have to throw people's shit out of the dryer in 5 or 10 minutes! PLUS THERE'S AT LEAST ONE OPEN DRYER ON ONE OF THE 6 OTHER FLOORS.
People are idiots. I myself have never taken someone's laundry out although I've come across idiotic residences who leave their laundry in the machines 5-6 hours after they started. Must've gone off to class or their sororities or some shit and forgotten. Dumb fucks. I was tempted, but wouldn't be caught dead moving some kick's lingerie out of the dryer. The cops would cuff me in an instance. Ridiculous. I'm just glad my lease is ending in the next two months and I'll be home free to live with my parents for a while before moving into my friend's new unit a few blocks away.
Now, there's a camera in the door, but I KNOW contacting the apartment's admin won't be diddly-shit. Because something similar happened to me another time (someone opened up the door on my dryer, let the time run out and when I got to it, my clothes were still damp. The office told me contact the police which I did and the lady at the other end basically told me to come up with evidence or fuck off). So there are cameras everyone and no one is able to check the footage basically. Someone could've been stabbed up there and there would've been nothing the cops could've done. Well done, officers, well done.
On a serious note, WHY couldn't the resident just have gone to any of the other 7 laundromats? There are 7 floors at my apartment complex and each has its own. The only reason why I came up to the 4th (I live on the 3rd) is because all machines were occupied. And the first thing I decide to do is move on, burn those extra calories to use the one on the floor above or below RATHER than trash someone else's load and put my own in. Some people need to be patient. I was probably 5 or 10 minutes late because I was cooking, but by no means should you have to throw people's shit out of the dryer in 5 or 10 minutes! PLUS THERE'S AT LEAST ONE OPEN DRYER ON ONE OF THE 6 OTHER FLOORS.
People are idiots. I myself have never taken someone's laundry out although I've come across idiotic residences who leave their laundry in the machines 5-6 hours after they started. Must've gone off to class or their sororities or some shit and forgotten. Dumb fucks. I was tempted, but wouldn't be caught dead moving some kick's lingerie out of the dryer. The cops would cuff me in an instance. Ridiculous. I'm just glad my lease is ending in the next two months and I'll be home free to live with my parents for a while before moving into my friend's new unit a few blocks away.
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Why Do You Let Your Wives get Lazy? [Grocery Store Edition]
I was out grabbing some groceries and in the line, saw your typical heterosexual couple and their daughters. The man had their youngest in a stroller, the eldest daughter was perusing the candies and the mother... she was sitting her ass on one of those motorized handicap carts.
The first thing I noticed was that she was considerably young. She might be in her late mid to late twenties. She wasn't exactly overweight, but wasn't exactly fit. She had just the amount of chubbiness to still be attractive. So the entire time, I couldn't help but wonder if she really should be in one of those things when a real disabled person could come in any minute only to be left waiting on one.
Well, she told her husband who was extremely subservient and quiet to load up the bags on the conveyor belt from her cart and he abided. When her eldest daughter asked if she was allowed to buy one of the candy bars, she considered for a moment before lazily throwing that onto the conveyor belt.
So at the very end of the line, not surprisingly, she rises from her cart and proceeds to stuff the grocery on her own two feet! I watched as she sat back down into the cart while her husband carried all the goods and parked it into the lane where the rests of the motorized carts were and get right back up.
Men... why do you let your wives get lazy? Why do you always have to step in and do simple human tasks for her that she is fit to do herself? She didn't look too bad, but give it a few years. When she reaches her thirties, she'll sit her ass on the couch all day and will refuse sex. Not that you'd want sex. She's had evolved into a hideous creature by then.
My abhorrence with marriage is the countless horror stories that have arisen about it over the years. I recently read one on the MGTOW forums of a wife who wrote erotic novels with her daughters' names in them and cheated behind her husband's backs. Not to mention the fact that she sits her ass at home all day while her man rakes in the dough.
I'm completely disgusted by what I witnessed. I wish those men would stop being manginas and pull your wives to their damned feet and tell them to pull their own weight. Trading yourself to be a fat ugly slug's slave in exchange for progeny is not worth it.
The first thing I noticed was that she was considerably young. She might be in her late mid to late twenties. She wasn't exactly overweight, but wasn't exactly fit. She had just the amount of chubbiness to still be attractive. So the entire time, I couldn't help but wonder if she really should be in one of those things when a real disabled person could come in any minute only to be left waiting on one.
Well, she told her husband who was extremely subservient and quiet to load up the bags on the conveyor belt from her cart and he abided. When her eldest daughter asked if she was allowed to buy one of the candy bars, she considered for a moment before lazily throwing that onto the conveyor belt.
So at the very end of the line, not surprisingly, she rises from her cart and proceeds to stuff the grocery on her own two feet! I watched as she sat back down into the cart while her husband carried all the goods and parked it into the lane where the rests of the motorized carts were and get right back up.
Men... why do you let your wives get lazy? Why do you always have to step in and do simple human tasks for her that she is fit to do herself? She didn't look too bad, but give it a few years. When she reaches her thirties, she'll sit her ass on the couch all day and will refuse sex. Not that you'd want sex. She's had evolved into a hideous creature by then.
My abhorrence with marriage is the countless horror stories that have arisen about it over the years. I recently read one on the MGTOW forums of a wife who wrote erotic novels with her daughters' names in them and cheated behind her husband's backs. Not to mention the fact that she sits her ass at home all day while her man rakes in the dough.
I'm completely disgusted by what I witnessed. I wish those men would stop being manginas and pull your wives to their damned feet and tell them to pull their own weight. Trading yourself to be a fat ugly slug's slave in exchange for progeny is not worth it.
Friday, April 15, 2016
Am fully convinced I live with stupid people
I think back to the start of the year where I had to call my housemate out on the garbage disposal he destroyed with his vegetables cuttings and rice (which were on the list of things you should NOT put down the drain listed on the move-on packet which of course, he declined to read) and told him to call in a work order already for chrissakes. It was just an angry outburst I made one day when he was just lolling around with my roommate in the living room chewing the fat while I was forced to wash my dishes with his dishes piled up on the unclogged side of the sink.
Yes, it took an angry outburst to finally get him to do the job. I could've reminded him again and again, and he wouldn't have budged (I will substantiate this claim with an example of something that happens later). The two (housemate and roommate) were shocked (Oh, did I ruin the sanctity of your peace and ignorance? I did, didn't I?) and I questioned my roommate on why he wouldn't tell him to move his ass already. Being that the two were closer (they roomed together the year before) he said that it "didn't bother him."
Ignoring the problem is NOT a solution. At that point, I was really convinced that my roommate was an ignorant fool. He doesn't know some of the simplest, re searchable answers out there (How about the basic components of a computer? You are after all, a computer science major. And yet, you can't name a single component?). And it's because he just doesn't care. Much like my roommate from last year who doesn't give a shit. Waking me up in the middle of the night with drunken outbursts when I had 4 classes to take the day after out of complete lack of respect.
Anyone whose reason for not fixing a problem right under his nose is an idiot.
On the part of my housemate, he's a religious guy from a wealthy family and I've had debates with him a couple times in the past and for one, he doesn't believe humans are animals and thus, his disbelief basically counters my argument that homosexuality in the animal kingdom is actually quite common and seeing that humans are animals too, homosexuality is natural. I just don't understand how he lives, hypocritically (he gets offended when you call him out on his religion's flaws and yet he violates simple principles like stealing, adultery, etc.). All I can say is, if you can't even follow the rules of your own game, then don't fucking play it. That simple, stupid. Your complete ignorance for evolutionary and biological facts follows because you think you are religious and better than non-religious folk around you. Wake up, stupid. You're an ape like the rest of us.
And the stupidest, most ignorant comment he's ever made was "I'm not that kind of engineer" when I said he should use his head, as an engineer, to get problems fixed.
It AMAZES me that Universities continue to doll out degrees to dumb folk like this. It amazes me that society lets him get ahead with a degree when all he's doing is reciting what the books tell him. It amazes me that people still choose their career choices based on the financial turn outs.
And that's the story of the idiotic and ignorant people I live with.
The pain will be over soon. All I can say is, I'm leaving school soon (which, by the way, is filled with idiots and phonies).
Yes, it took an angry outburst to finally get him to do the job. I could've reminded him again and again, and he wouldn't have budged (I will substantiate this claim with an example of something that happens later). The two (housemate and roommate) were shocked (Oh, did I ruin the sanctity of your peace and ignorance? I did, didn't I?) and I questioned my roommate on why he wouldn't tell him to move his ass already. Being that the two were closer (they roomed together the year before) he said that it "didn't bother him."
Ignoring the problem is NOT a solution. At that point, I was really convinced that my roommate was an ignorant fool. He doesn't know some of the simplest, re searchable answers out there (How about the basic components of a computer? You are after all, a computer science major. And yet, you can't name a single component?). And it's because he just doesn't care. Much like my roommate from last year who doesn't give a shit. Waking me up in the middle of the night with drunken outbursts when I had 4 classes to take the day after out of complete lack of respect.
Anyone whose reason for not fixing a problem right under his nose is an idiot.
On the part of my housemate, he's a religious guy from a wealthy family and I've had debates with him a couple times in the past and for one, he doesn't believe humans are animals and thus, his disbelief basically counters my argument that homosexuality in the animal kingdom is actually quite common and seeing that humans are animals too, homosexuality is natural. I just don't understand how he lives, hypocritically (he gets offended when you call him out on his religion's flaws and yet he violates simple principles like stealing, adultery, etc.). All I can say is, if you can't even follow the rules of your own game, then don't fucking play it. That simple, stupid. Your complete ignorance for evolutionary and biological facts follows because you think you are religious and better than non-religious folk around you. Wake up, stupid. You're an ape like the rest of us.
And the stupidest, most ignorant comment he's ever made was "I'm not that kind of engineer" when I said he should use his head, as an engineer, to get problems fixed.
It AMAZES me that Universities continue to doll out degrees to dumb folk like this. It amazes me that society lets him get ahead with a degree when all he's doing is reciting what the books tell him. It amazes me that people still choose their career choices based on the financial turn outs.
And that's the story of the idiotic and ignorant people I live with.
The pain will be over soon. All I can say is, I'm leaving school soon (which, by the way, is filled with idiots and phonies).
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Real Conversation Buzz-Killer (Mexi-Mountain Dew)
I struck up a conversation with my roommate when I saw a box of "Mexi-Mountain Dew" (which I like to refer to as the cane sugar over high fructose corn syrup versions of soft drinks south of the US-Mexico border). He said it wasn't his and I pursued the conversation by asking whether he thought it tasted different from the "actual thing" or not and man, was this guy hard to get through to. He was staring dead-eyed at reddit and mumbled things like "What are you talking about? It's the same thing. Just with an old fashioned cover."
I verified that it was Mexi-Mountain Dew when I read over the ingredients... no high fructose corn syrup. But my so-called roommate just exasperatedly replied "What's the difference anyway?" to which I replied, you don't know the difference between cane sugar and high fructose corn syrup? I even poked fun at all the reading he was doing on the net (because this wasn't the first time he didn't know common, researchable knowledge.... mind you, I wasn't trying to be rude, I was just trying to be over-friendly as I do with people I consider close).
Well, nothing doing, I heated dinner and went upstairs. He's not anti-social because I can hear him guffawing his throat out when he's playing League with friends (or my housemate who has also been somewhat cold-shouldering me) but eh, I did walk in today to find my roommate still sleeping at 4 in the afternoon so a number of things could've been awry for him today.
I verified that it was Mexi-Mountain Dew when I read over the ingredients... no high fructose corn syrup. But my so-called roommate just exasperatedly replied "What's the difference anyway?" to which I replied, you don't know the difference between cane sugar and high fructose corn syrup? I even poked fun at all the reading he was doing on the net (because this wasn't the first time he didn't know common, researchable knowledge.... mind you, I wasn't trying to be rude, I was just trying to be over-friendly as I do with people I consider close).
Well, nothing doing, I heated dinner and went upstairs. He's not anti-social because I can hear him guffawing his throat out when he's playing League with friends (or my housemate who has also been somewhat cold-shouldering me) but eh, I did walk in today to find my roommate still sleeping at 4 in the afternoon so a number of things could've been awry for him today.
Sunday, April 3, 2016
This "Life Moves On" Attitude is going to be the end of us all.
Lately I got in an argument with a close friend and he uttered the words I dreaded to hear: "Yeah, well, I'm just the kind of guy who moves on, y'know."
Every time I look on my generation, I have to rest my face in my hands for a second. One of the major flaws we carry is precisely this life-moves-on-and-so-do-I attitude when dealing with everything. Every other generation might sit on the hem of this attitude, but mine? Everyone seems to just have it hard-coded in there head.
I invited my friend about a week ago to a Virtual Reality meet-up I already RSVP'd to and told him to do the same. I figured he liked video games, why not take him along? Only problem was, I needed a ride. I guess it was a disaster just waiting to happen. He gave me an ambiguous answer ("Yeah, I'll see") and never replied to any text or FB messages I sent throughout the week (I could tell that he read my messages, he just didn't bother responding).
The day of, he finally called me and apologized. I had to call him out on it. He said he went off to hang out with friends. Then he changed the story to group study. I told him I'd rather he didn't apologize. I'd rather he told me to go fuck myself and jump off a bridge rather than keep me in the dark about whether he was going to pick me up or not. Then he uttered those unforgivable words. Famous last words uttered by my idiotic roommate last year after he'd come back drunk and thrown up all over our small cubicle sized room and told me "life moves on" when I told him to learn a goddamn lesson and stop fucking up over and over again.
I told my ditcher-of-a-friend that I had a hard time believing he could flake on me like that without even giving me a heads up. You don't just forget things and turn your back on a friend. At one point, I was even considering leaving all my valuables and spare cash with him if I had to make a run for it and come back for it later, but now, it looks like he would've sold off all my goods and spent the spare cash on his childish trading cards and told me that "he'd forgotten" about me and how "life moves on."
It infuriates me that a best friend, someone you should be able to lean on would do something like this. He's ditched other times, but with prior notice. The drop that really broke the damn for me was the fact that he's fucked up multiple times before and shrugged off valuable advice I'd given him ("Hey man, if you really want to do X as a career, then you need to start preparing by doing X. Post your work on Facebook and I'll critique for you since I am an X enthusiast.").
You might ask me to find better friends. Yeah, well, I can count all my real friends with one hand. The rest are lice. Phonies. Sheep. Buddy-fuckers. Do I really need to tally down on one more friend?
This "Life Moves On" nonchalant attitude is seriously going to be the end of us. It's a gross misinterpretation of what Life Moves On should really entail... We move on when we're held back in an unhealthy way. But everyone tries to apply it to every aspect of life. No more do we care to learn a lesson from our carelessness and mistakes. Because it's okay. Society will pardon you for throwing up all over your roommate and yours' shared room (not to mention the underage drinking) and even forgive you for screwing over friends for other friends.
I abhor in this attitude and am disgusted by the way my friend handled the situation and just blew off my whole telling off. He even ended the conversation by telling me that he had another call coming in. No decency to even make things right (I told him I didn't want his apology anyways. I told him he should've just told me he wasn't coming for me. I told him he jut never learns sometimes. I didn't tell him why his father always complains about him or why he always gets yelled at at our part-time job. Why he always needs to be babysat at two-decades young).
In the end, I can let it go because it's not healthy for me to bear grudges. But I doubt I'll ever rely on him for anything again. I think he doesn't see in me what I see in him and my other friends. I treat them like brothers and I give them free handouts and always have their backs and even slug 'em in the face if they're acting irrational. This guy... he's no brother of mine. He sees us as playthings. Like children see their friends not as their lifelong wolf pack but as playthings.
Life moves on. Fuck it.
Every time I look on my generation, I have to rest my face in my hands for a second. One of the major flaws we carry is precisely this life-moves-on-and-so-do-I attitude when dealing with everything. Every other generation might sit on the hem of this attitude, but mine? Everyone seems to just have it hard-coded in there head.
I invited my friend about a week ago to a Virtual Reality meet-up I already RSVP'd to and told him to do the same. I figured he liked video games, why not take him along? Only problem was, I needed a ride. I guess it was a disaster just waiting to happen. He gave me an ambiguous answer ("Yeah, I'll see") and never replied to any text or FB messages I sent throughout the week (I could tell that he read my messages, he just didn't bother responding).
The day of, he finally called me and apologized. I had to call him out on it. He said he went off to hang out with friends. Then he changed the story to group study. I told him I'd rather he didn't apologize. I'd rather he told me to go fuck myself and jump off a bridge rather than keep me in the dark about whether he was going to pick me up or not. Then he uttered those unforgivable words. Famous last words uttered by my idiotic roommate last year after he'd come back drunk and thrown up all over our small cubicle sized room and told me "life moves on" when I told him to learn a goddamn lesson and stop fucking up over and over again.
I told my ditcher-of-a-friend that I had a hard time believing he could flake on me like that without even giving me a heads up. You don't just forget things and turn your back on a friend. At one point, I was even considering leaving all my valuables and spare cash with him if I had to make a run for it and come back for it later, but now, it looks like he would've sold off all my goods and spent the spare cash on his childish trading cards and told me that "he'd forgotten" about me and how "life moves on."
It infuriates me that a best friend, someone you should be able to lean on would do something like this. He's ditched other times, but with prior notice. The drop that really broke the damn for me was the fact that he's fucked up multiple times before and shrugged off valuable advice I'd given him ("Hey man, if you really want to do X as a career, then you need to start preparing by doing X. Post your work on Facebook and I'll critique for you since I am an X enthusiast.").
You might ask me to find better friends. Yeah, well, I can count all my real friends with one hand. The rest are lice. Phonies. Sheep. Buddy-fuckers. Do I really need to tally down on one more friend?
This "Life Moves On" nonchalant attitude is seriously going to be the end of us. It's a gross misinterpretation of what Life Moves On should really entail... We move on when we're held back in an unhealthy way. But everyone tries to apply it to every aspect of life. No more do we care to learn a lesson from our carelessness and mistakes. Because it's okay. Society will pardon you for throwing up all over your roommate and yours' shared room (not to mention the underage drinking) and even forgive you for screwing over friends for other friends.
I abhor in this attitude and am disgusted by the way my friend handled the situation and just blew off my whole telling off. He even ended the conversation by telling me that he had another call coming in. No decency to even make things right (I told him I didn't want his apology anyways. I told him he should've just told me he wasn't coming for me. I told him he jut never learns sometimes. I didn't tell him why his father always complains about him or why he always gets yelled at at our part-time job. Why he always needs to be babysat at two-decades young).
In the end, I can let it go because it's not healthy for me to bear grudges. But I doubt I'll ever rely on him for anything again. I think he doesn't see in me what I see in him and my other friends. I treat them like brothers and I give them free handouts and always have their backs and even slug 'em in the face if they're acting irrational. This guy... he's no brother of mine. He sees us as playthings. Like children see their friends not as their lifelong wolf pack but as playthings.
Life moves on. Fuck it.
Saturday, April 2, 2016
Improving Your Social Skills? Not a Chance.
Lately, I come to the conclusion that there is no improving one's social skills after a certain age, just like one does not naturally grow taller after entering adulthood. From personal experience and from viewing my peers, I really don't see a person who is intrinsically social reduced to a recluse and vice versa by willpower alone.
Let me use me as an example. Mine is a case by case issue. In high school for instance, I was timid and reluctant to contribute to discussions in classes where my knowledge of the subject was average or below (Chemistry, foreign language classes) with some cases of shyness more severe than others, as with classes where I felt isolated and lonely because everyone else knew who their friends were.
In classes where my knowledge was average or beyond (math classes, AP English in my Senior year, music), I fared far better with socialization.
In the case of math classes, I knew no one, but felt obliged to answer the instructor's questions because no one else was, not because I liked hearing the sound of my own voice. To say the least, I think I was able to at least spur on discussion from other students, although I seldom befriended anyone (the only exception being Calculus in my senior year where I befriended almost half a dozen individuals. The fact that I had a best friend in the class was not relevant because he made his own friend which ultimately led to the demise of our friendship).
I was still very timid in English class for the better of the year, but felt encouraged because I always had something funny or clever to the crack the few times I did speak over the year (and a kick-ass presentation that elicited plenty of laughter and smiles and perked up ears on Dan Brown's works) and a willing audience to give me positive feedback.
In orchestra, I began as a nobody and rose as a classmate who got along with everyone in the class including the conductor herself. I made about a dozen close connections that year (all of which would eventually fray following the rest of high school). Ultimately, building my rep and receiving appreciation by the entire class stoked my confidence although there was always a part of me that was afraid to screw up in front of everyone.
Everyone around that did a lot of talking in class... well, they went on about it. It would come in different volumes in different classes but ultimately, I didn't sense any bit of shyness crop up in them. I did however feel their aura of confidence. In the end, it made me feel as though the multitudes around me were more confident and even more academically accomplished than I was although I realize now that it was an illusions. Sometimes, I had the answer at the tip of my tongue, but felt disinclined to speak it.
In my adult life, this is drastically affecting me and my career choices. For one, I find a clerk or cashier job almost intolerable (unless of course I'm working in a GameStop or in the computer department at Best Buy). I find the sheer amount of talking I'd have to do in a work day head-throbbing. I'd also hate to have to hash several forms of greetings the day before.
And there's still this unshakeable feeling of aversion to group activities with people I don't know. Sleeping in a cabin with fellow students whose names I didn't even know during a field trip in elementary school. Grouping up with a bunch of upperclassmen for a PE activity in middle school because no one else wanted me. Going to a dance in high school. Celebrating a dorm member's drinking party in high school. It all felt... so uncomfortable. It's like I can't see past this barrier that's telling me to avoid group activities altogether.
I don't have this problem when I'm with my friends or when I'm working closely with students at my part-time job at an art studio. But every other interaction just gives me a strange, tight-gutted reaction. I recently talked to a girl who I was only loosely associated with back in high school and in between the small talk caught up with each other on our schools and what we were planning on doing for the week. I spoke with confidence and a smile to boot while my other friend kept cracking bad jokes and degrading himself (he's socially awkward, but doesn't realize it). Nonetheless, I was trying pretty hard not to lose my train of thought, not to make my voice crack and to keep my gut from flopping, and this was just some girl I was loosely associated with.
I tended to have this problem even in a class with an upperclassmen instructor (male, might I add) who I thought was alright and a great conversation partner, only to feel hollow and distant on the inside as the interaction went on. I'm even having these issues with my current housemate.
I don't know why, but hundreds and hundreds of interactions later have done little to change my high school social habits. Sure, it might be too early in the game to know, but I know for a fact that no matter how much I have to fake loving socialization, I will always, always fall back on my reclusiveness. I can adapt to a situation by telling myself that I don't give a damn about so and so strangers I'm meeting up with and that I won't ever have to interact with them again. But I don't think I could ever adopt a genuine inclination to socializing.
I'm also pretty standoffish about certain so-called momentous events like marriage. Just the thought of having to get up in front of my family (which I haven't been particularly proud of) and her family and have to give a whole speech and then make-up is distasteful. It's so... uncomfortable. I'm not so much afraid to get up there as I simply find it pointless. Fortunately, in this day and age, tying the knot really isn't necessary for a life lone commitment, but lets be honest, what girl would marry a man who won't propose? I've already crossed off marriage as something that I will never partake in.
And so I wonder how this will affect me in the long run. I'm not particularly good with performances like recitals or interviews. I get jittery, my hands gets clammy and I don't think I'm afraid... because there's nothing life threatening about it... I just hate to be watched and judged. Maybe that's why I hate socialization. Because I read into the probing eyes and ambiguous whispers too much. I might need to add that I'm a glass half-empty kind of guy mot of the time and that doesn't help.
So if I feel like I'm under the scrutiny of a world that just wants to pick out my flaws, what can I do? It's hard to change my psyche, one that has been chiseled in deep by years of abysmal humiliation, broken self-esteem and loneliness. I know I have an integral social side though. I experience it when I'm with my close friends. With my sibling. With students at that art studio job I love so much. I can only hope to carry it over to my other interactions, but I really think that keeping the two spheres separate is what makes the former so endearing to me. The people I can interact with, I keep not a notch, but a million notches above the rest of the world. I think my only chances in socializing with the rest of the world is by distancing myself emotionally from them. By deceiving myself by telling myself that people won't laugh at me or think badly of me.
But that kind of deception is one that I liken to crossing paths with a hooded man in the late hours past midnight in a city with an astronomical crime index and telling myself that he's just a normal guy like me taking a stroll and that he means no ill will. I have a long and tough journey ahead. I know that I can't change my social habits for the better, but I can put the ones I've developed to good use. I just need to learn how.
Let me use me as an example. Mine is a case by case issue. In high school for instance, I was timid and reluctant to contribute to discussions in classes where my knowledge of the subject was average or below (Chemistry, foreign language classes) with some cases of shyness more severe than others, as with classes where I felt isolated and lonely because everyone else knew who their friends were.
In classes where my knowledge was average or beyond (math classes, AP English in my Senior year, music), I fared far better with socialization.
In the case of math classes, I knew no one, but felt obliged to answer the instructor's questions because no one else was, not because I liked hearing the sound of my own voice. To say the least, I think I was able to at least spur on discussion from other students, although I seldom befriended anyone (the only exception being Calculus in my senior year where I befriended almost half a dozen individuals. The fact that I had a best friend in the class was not relevant because he made his own friend which ultimately led to the demise of our friendship).
I was still very timid in English class for the better of the year, but felt encouraged because I always had something funny or clever to the crack the few times I did speak over the year (and a kick-ass presentation that elicited plenty of laughter and smiles and perked up ears on Dan Brown's works) and a willing audience to give me positive feedback.
In orchestra, I began as a nobody and rose as a classmate who got along with everyone in the class including the conductor herself. I made about a dozen close connections that year (all of which would eventually fray following the rest of high school). Ultimately, building my rep and receiving appreciation by the entire class stoked my confidence although there was always a part of me that was afraid to screw up in front of everyone.
Everyone around that did a lot of talking in class... well, they went on about it. It would come in different volumes in different classes but ultimately, I didn't sense any bit of shyness crop up in them. I did however feel their aura of confidence. In the end, it made me feel as though the multitudes around me were more confident and even more academically accomplished than I was although I realize now that it was an illusions. Sometimes, I had the answer at the tip of my tongue, but felt disinclined to speak it.
In my adult life, this is drastically affecting me and my career choices. For one, I find a clerk or cashier job almost intolerable (unless of course I'm working in a GameStop or in the computer department at Best Buy). I find the sheer amount of talking I'd have to do in a work day head-throbbing. I'd also hate to have to hash several forms of greetings the day before.
And there's still this unshakeable feeling of aversion to group activities with people I don't know. Sleeping in a cabin with fellow students whose names I didn't even know during a field trip in elementary school. Grouping up with a bunch of upperclassmen for a PE activity in middle school because no one else wanted me. Going to a dance in high school. Celebrating a dorm member's drinking party in high school. It all felt... so uncomfortable. It's like I can't see past this barrier that's telling me to avoid group activities altogether.
I don't have this problem when I'm with my friends or when I'm working closely with students at my part-time job at an art studio. But every other interaction just gives me a strange, tight-gutted reaction. I recently talked to a girl who I was only loosely associated with back in high school and in between the small talk caught up with each other on our schools and what we were planning on doing for the week. I spoke with confidence and a smile to boot while my other friend kept cracking bad jokes and degrading himself (he's socially awkward, but doesn't realize it). Nonetheless, I was trying pretty hard not to lose my train of thought, not to make my voice crack and to keep my gut from flopping, and this was just some girl I was loosely associated with.
I tended to have this problem even in a class with an upperclassmen instructor (male, might I add) who I thought was alright and a great conversation partner, only to feel hollow and distant on the inside as the interaction went on. I'm even having these issues with my current housemate.
I don't know why, but hundreds and hundreds of interactions later have done little to change my high school social habits. Sure, it might be too early in the game to know, but I know for a fact that no matter how much I have to fake loving socialization, I will always, always fall back on my reclusiveness. I can adapt to a situation by telling myself that I don't give a damn about so and so strangers I'm meeting up with and that I won't ever have to interact with them again. But I don't think I could ever adopt a genuine inclination to socializing.
I'm also pretty standoffish about certain so-called momentous events like marriage. Just the thought of having to get up in front of my family (which I haven't been particularly proud of) and her family and have to give a whole speech and then make-up is distasteful. It's so... uncomfortable. I'm not so much afraid to get up there as I simply find it pointless. Fortunately, in this day and age, tying the knot really isn't necessary for a life lone commitment, but lets be honest, what girl would marry a man who won't propose? I've already crossed off marriage as something that I will never partake in.
And so I wonder how this will affect me in the long run. I'm not particularly good with performances like recitals or interviews. I get jittery, my hands gets clammy and I don't think I'm afraid... because there's nothing life threatening about it... I just hate to be watched and judged. Maybe that's why I hate socialization. Because I read into the probing eyes and ambiguous whispers too much. I might need to add that I'm a glass half-empty kind of guy mot of the time and that doesn't help.
So if I feel like I'm under the scrutiny of a world that just wants to pick out my flaws, what can I do? It's hard to change my psyche, one that has been chiseled in deep by years of abysmal humiliation, broken self-esteem and loneliness. I know I have an integral social side though. I experience it when I'm with my close friends. With my sibling. With students at that art studio job I love so much. I can only hope to carry it over to my other interactions, but I really think that keeping the two spheres separate is what makes the former so endearing to me. The people I can interact with, I keep not a notch, but a million notches above the rest of the world. I think my only chances in socializing with the rest of the world is by distancing myself emotionally from them. By deceiving myself by telling myself that people won't laugh at me or think badly of me.
But that kind of deception is one that I liken to crossing paths with a hooded man in the late hours past midnight in a city with an astronomical crime index and telling myself that he's just a normal guy like me taking a stroll and that he means no ill will. I have a long and tough journey ahead. I know that I can't change my social habits for the better, but I can put the ones I've developed to good use. I just need to learn how.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)