Lately, I come to the conclusion that there is no improving one's social skills after a certain age, just like one does not naturally grow taller after entering adulthood. From personal experience and from viewing my peers, I really don't see a person who is intrinsically social reduced to a recluse and vice versa by willpower alone.
Let me use me as an example. Mine is a case by case issue. In high school for instance, I was timid and reluctant to contribute to discussions in classes where my knowledge of the subject was average or below (Chemistry, foreign language classes) with some cases of shyness more severe than others, as with classes where I felt isolated and lonely because everyone else knew who their friends were.
In classes where my knowledge was average or beyond (math classes, AP English in my Senior year, music), I fared far better with socialization.
In the case of math classes, I knew no one, but felt obliged to answer the instructor's questions because no one else was, not because I liked hearing the sound of my own voice. To say the least, I think I was able to at least spur on discussion from other students, although I seldom befriended anyone (the only exception being Calculus in my senior year where I befriended almost half a dozen individuals. The fact that I had a best friend in the class was not relevant because he made his own friend which ultimately led to the demise of our friendship).
I was still very timid in English class for the better of the year, but felt encouraged because I always had something funny or clever to the crack the few times I did speak over the year (and a kick-ass presentation that elicited plenty of laughter and smiles and perked up ears on Dan Brown's works) and a willing audience to give me positive feedback.
In orchestra, I began as a nobody and rose as a classmate who got along with everyone in the class including the conductor herself. I made about a dozen close connections that year (all of which would eventually fray following the rest of high school). Ultimately, building my rep and receiving appreciation by the entire class stoked my confidence although there was always a part of me that was afraid to screw up in front of everyone.
Everyone around that did a lot of talking in class... well, they went on about it. It would come in different volumes in different classes but ultimately, I didn't sense any bit of shyness crop up in them. I did however feel their aura of confidence. In the end, it made me feel as though the multitudes around me were more confident and even more academically accomplished than I was although I realize now that it was an illusions. Sometimes, I had the answer at the tip of my tongue, but felt disinclined to speak it.
In my adult life, this is drastically affecting me and my career choices. For one, I find a clerk or cashier job almost intolerable (unless of course I'm working in a GameStop or in the computer department at Best Buy). I find the sheer amount of talking I'd have to do in a work day head-throbbing. I'd also hate to have to hash several forms of greetings the day before.
And there's still this unshakeable feeling of aversion to group activities with people I don't know. Sleeping in a cabin with fellow students whose names I didn't even know during a field trip in elementary school. Grouping up with a bunch of upperclassmen for a PE activity in middle school because no one else wanted me. Going to a dance in high school. Celebrating a dorm member's drinking party in high school. It all felt... so uncomfortable. It's like I can't see past this barrier that's telling me to avoid group activities altogether.
I don't have this problem when I'm with my friends or when I'm working closely with students at my part-time job at an art studio. But every other interaction just gives me a strange, tight-gutted reaction. I recently talked to a girl who I was only loosely associated with back in high school and in between the small talk caught up with each other on our schools and what we were planning on doing for the week. I spoke with confidence and a smile to boot while my other friend kept cracking bad jokes and degrading himself (he's socially awkward, but doesn't realize it). Nonetheless, I was trying pretty hard not to lose my train of thought, not to make my voice crack and to keep my gut from flopping, and this was just some girl I was loosely associated with.
I tended to have this problem even in a class with an upperclassmen instructor (male, might I add) who I thought was alright and a great conversation partner, only to feel hollow and distant on the inside as the interaction went on. I'm even having these issues with my current housemate.
I don't know why, but hundreds and hundreds of interactions later have done little to change my high school social habits. Sure, it might be too early in the game to know, but I know for a fact that no matter how much I have to fake loving socialization, I will always, always fall back on my reclusiveness. I can adapt to a situation by telling myself that I don't give a damn about so and so strangers I'm meeting up with and that I won't ever have to interact with them again. But I don't think I could ever adopt a genuine inclination to socializing.
I'm also pretty standoffish about certain so-called momentous events like marriage. Just the thought of having to get up in front of my family (which I haven't been particularly proud of) and her family and have to give a whole speech and then make-up is distasteful. It's so... uncomfortable. I'm not so much afraid to get up there as I simply find it pointless. Fortunately, in this day and age, tying the knot really isn't necessary for a life lone commitment, but lets be honest, what girl would marry a man who won't propose? I've already crossed off marriage as something that I will never partake in.
And so I wonder how this will affect me in the long run. I'm not particularly good with performances like recitals or interviews. I get jittery, my hands gets clammy and I don't think I'm afraid... because there's nothing life threatening about it... I just hate to be watched and judged. Maybe that's why I hate socialization. Because I read into the probing eyes and ambiguous whispers too much. I might need to add that I'm a glass half-empty kind of guy mot of the time and that doesn't help.
So if I feel like I'm under the scrutiny of a world that just wants to pick out my flaws, what can I do? It's hard to change my psyche, one that has been chiseled in deep by years of abysmal humiliation, broken self-esteem and loneliness. I know I have an integral social side though. I experience it when I'm with my close friends. With my sibling. With students at that art studio job I love so much. I can only hope to carry it over to my other interactions, but I really think that keeping the two spheres separate is what makes the former so endearing to me. The people I can interact with, I keep not a notch, but a million notches above the rest of the world. I think my only chances in socializing with the rest of the world is by distancing myself emotionally from them. By deceiving myself by telling myself that people won't laugh at me or think badly of me.
But that kind of deception is one that I liken to crossing paths with a hooded man in the late hours past midnight in a city with an astronomical crime index and telling myself that he's just a normal guy like me taking a stroll and that he means no ill will. I have a long and tough journey ahead. I know that I can't change my social habits for the better, but I can put the ones I've developed to good use. I just need to learn how.
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