Half-assedly Dropping Out of School

I really admire those who are able to drop out of school without a clear-cut plan. It's like leaping off the edge of a building and somehow hoping to grab onto a lifeline out of thin air. It takes a lot of courage to do it. Forget the Mark Zuckerbergs in this world who've already forged out a path of gold in their spare time. In my barely-two years of college, I could not find the freedom I wanted to to pursue my extracurricular artistic interests. Ridiculous. I'm barely getting into over-crowded classes and just barely making the straight A cut (I had to. I was planning on transferring out and transfers absolutely have to be competent).

Tomorrow, I'm going back to my apartment to live out the rest of my lease (people are very standoffish about having roommates so I can't transfer the lease since I'm rooming with a friend) and in the meanwhile, I'm looking for a meager job locally during my half-ass dropout period. So far I haven't heard back from a single one which is good and bad news for me; good because it leaves plenty of time for me to get back on top of my creative endeavors and bad because I'm dead weight to myself while I'm not attending lectures in school or working.

I'm seeking work during my dropout period because I want structure in my life. I want a reason to get up at 8 in the morning. If its not money, then I don't know what it is. The truth is, I'd rather lie in my bed until I die. I'm not trying to shovel any emo bullshit on anyone here but I don't see a purpose in a life where I'm running a marathon and no one is cheering me from the sidelines.

I really do appreciate the financial support my family's given me but all I really wanted was some emotional support in all this and I've never received any. College is a gateway to a decent job if you make the most of it and the most of the opportunities that come ahead. I know that much. But my heart really lies with my creative work and unfortunately, my family for the most part doesn't see much significance in it. I'll isolate my father for a second here. While understanding, he tries to guilt trip me by telling me that I'm free to do whatever I want but I still need to make a living. My major source of finances is through him and he's not unreasonable enough to cut off support, but sometimes I wish I could get a black or white answer out of him.

When I say that I'm half-assedly dropping out of school,  I'm referring to the fact that there's no real risk taking in doing so, at least in my situation. I was really gung ho two months ago about dropping out forever and finally being able to pursue my passions and live on the edge with a minimum wage job. Now, I'm not so sure. School's never been as big a thorn in the back as I've made it out to be. I struggle because of my demon, my creative side that seeks attention all the time. If I could get over it, I would be able to run the full course of college and work a job that pays 100k a year in about two or three years. I'm that confidant. But I'm not worried about being poor or rich in the end. These social descriptors are so skewed and not really clearly defined. For me, dying rich is dying without no regrets and a case closed on every creative endeavor of mine and still have time for my friends and family. Now that's the ultimate happy ending to a life.

Where I will be in a month: Hopefully working several shifts in a regular ol' civilian job and working nights as an artist hopefully gaining some grounds for notoriety.

Where I will be in a year: Unfortunately, all signs point to school. I'm going back to my current University (if they are willing to take me back. I think it depends on the yearly student body size) and dropping all my creative efforts and charades assuming I've failed to bring my dreams to fruition. Even if I manage to impress myself, I still need to be reasonable and weigh my options. I need connections. I need a better job. And school still provides that small measure of guarantee for a future.

So starting tomorrow, I am a half-assed dropout desperately searching for a minimum salary job to tide over the times while I grease up my gears and get back on track with my dreams. I'm giving myself 4 months as I polish up a project I've been working on and off for the last four years of my life. I will be discussing it regularly on this blog although most of the details won't be coming out until the last quadrant when I release it. I hope anyone who latches on will follow me through this unpredictable era in my life and I hope to share in the frustration and the laughter.

Happy Struggling,
Black Hat