So I haven't been shaving lately. Incidentally, I haven't been flossing either. For those of you who are really tight-assed about personal hygiene, get over it. I'm one of the biggest hygiene freaks I know and there is a huge difference between flossing once a week and never flossing at all (my roommate and housemate don't believe in floss). That said, tonight was the first time where I found myself inches away, face to face with my mirror image. And then I noticed the hairs. I thought it was the glare of the light, but nope, I definitely have sprouted two strands of pure white hair. Akin to cat whiskers. I'm only 20 but damn do I feel old!
No pictures I'm afraid because of the low lighting in my apartment. Admittedly, my body's been under stress for two weeks now mainly because I caught a bad head cold for two weeks starting Christmas eve that ruined my holiday with family. And then there's the stress that comes with unemployment. I've been writing my book in the meantime and have a bit of writer's block setting in. I haven't written in weeks since finals last quarter through the beginning of the new year when I was still sick.
Anyhow, I've gotten over much of the stress (sore throat came back last night but otherwise, I'm healthy) and I'm patiently waiting to hear back from employers. Yes, I do plan on going back to school in the Spring and that's because I've actually reflected on how much I appreciated the struggle school has given me. Now that I'm on the other side where I don't have the weight of school or employment on my shoulders, my hobbies like drawing and writing seem... less significant. It's hard to explain but I relate school to an old nemesis and my creativity as a weapon of rebellion. Without an enemy to battle, my weapon has no use. Then all purpose is lost. That is why I've decided to suck it up and go back to school in the spring.
A wise man once told me that I shouldn't rush things. Like my book. Sure, I've been writing it for a couple of years now, but is it really imperative to publish before I graduate (I'm guessing I will be 22 or 23 by then)? Is it life-threatening to publish in my late twenties or even sometime in my thirties? I guess not. I feel old, but I could not be less immature. I really need to take things down a notch. So my life goals have changed all of a sudden and I'd be happy to walk off with a piece of paper called my Bachelor's of Science and go out into the world to look for a job.
I jumped the gun on my big plan for the rest of my life, on dropping out of school to pursue my passions. I thought I had a plan, but I ended up in a world of uncertainties. It all stems from missing out on a lot growing up. I was not likable in school. I let a lot of people walk all over me. I ended up hating the system. And in the end, I was the one who got hurt because I thought I could live outside of its rules.
When spring comes, I'm changing all of that. I'm going back to school and I'm going in with the same attitude I had in my freshman year when I dusted off my slate and said "Here's to new beginnings! This time, I'm not going to fuck up. I'm going to make up for those lost high school years. I'm going to reach for the top at the university. I'm going to kick academia's ass."
Black Hat
No comments:
Post a Comment